Senior citizen Kane chasing Shilton’s England record

What a night it was for Harry Kane on Tuesday at Wembley, scoring twice to down the mighty Finland and also being handed a beautiful golden hat crocheted by everyone’s favourite footballing raconteur Frank Lampard. No, but seriously, winning 100 caps for your country is no mean feat, even when it is a small island whose men’s team has only ever won one major trophy.
At 31, Kane is already England’s leading goalscorer with 68, and with games against Greece and the Finns again next month, he’ll likely add to it. He also has Peter Shilton’s record of 125 caps in his sight, leaving a tantalising prospect: someone who makes a living in the European Union overtaking the former England keeper. *Shakes fist at cloud*. If Kane does surpass Shilton, maybe he could then come for his work, too, appearing as a talking head on GB News to discuss flag design and the woke agenda, with the added gravitas of a 126th cap on the mantelpiece.
Kane is already targeting the pensioner market, alongside his “mate” Snoop Dogg (Snoop Doggy Dogg in old money) by pushing slip-on shoes perfect for ageing rappers and those who can no longer bend over to tie laces. This is the sort of demographic Shilton would seem to be pitching his views to; could he lose his cap record and alliance to Kane just because older people want hot tea, an episode of Morse and some very comfy footwear?
Kane has made his feelings known by singing God Save the Queen/King for the past 14 years. A penalty two years ago resulted in Human Rights World Cup heartache, making sure he can share Shilton’s sense of spot-kick pain and tournament injustice. Kane has even gone undercover in Germany to infiltrate the country’s elite, taking them down from the inside by leading them to a trophy-less season while pummelling goals. Oh, he is clever. Harry Kane MBE: a true English hero and one who seemingly cannot be stopped.
“I’ve always scored goals throughout my career, even in my youth days. I wasn’t as prolific when I played full-time, but the goals have flown since I started part-time with Brechin City back in the day. Hopefully I can now catch Ally McCoist. That would be unbelievable. I need about 15 league goals this year to give me a chance, then I’ll have to just keep going until I get it. I might have to come on in my zimmerframe just to take penalties” – sticking with the theme of records, Peterhead striker Rory McAllister is setting his sights on surpassing the Rangers great’s mark of 282 after becoming only the third post-war fitba player to score 250 league goals in Scotland. Gordon Wallace (264) is the other.
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